First thing I want to confess here.
I think im on the first stages of some sort of eating disorder and im not joking around at all.
I’ve done all the research I could possibly do and all signs point towards it.
My friends joke around that I eat a lot infront of them. Truth is that is normally and most probably the only thing I will eat the whole day. After I eat it I will get very upset and mad at myself and the voice in the back of my head sorta says “Well. Fine you can eat that but don’t you dare eat anything for the rest of the day.”
Since Christmas dinner I have been eating as less as possible. It scares me and I know what im doing is wrong but I have got myself into some sort of sad rountine now.
For example today I have had one cup of tea, half a glass of milk, eight pringles and one cracker.
Yesterday I had five cups of tea, a tangerine and a handful of festive chocolates. I then managed the rest of the night with a few tic-tacs and a j2o.
I know I should be eating. To be very honest all I want right now is a double bacon and cheese burger and lots of fries but I know that if I was to eat i’d get incredibly angry with myself.
The weird thing is that I know im not fat. I’m a size 8 or 10 depending on the store and im generally healthy. It’s just strange that parts of my head wont let me be happy. I’m generally unhappy with the way I look. I was bullied when I was younger in school and I stopped eating full meals when I was around the ages seven and eight when “my dad” was around. He used to make me stay at the table till there was nothing on my plate. I used to hide food and go to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet so he thought I had ate it. Around this age I became violently ill and stupidly weak. It got to the stage of bleeding and not being able to stay up without fainting. I would be so sore for a little girl. I think I missed a few months off school because of it.
I know im not overweight and im under no pressure from anybody to be stick thin but I feel the need to be that bit thinner every time I look in the mirror. I do remember worrying about the amounts I ate when I was with my ex. I knew he wasn’t fussy about my weight at all but it seemed as if I forced myself to be “decent” for him.
I think I feel that way still now and probably a lot more.
I’m sort of with a guy right now. Well not really. We both love each other but we can’t be boyfriend and girlfriend because of the distance. I don’t even need to be super skinny for him because he can’t even hold me. He can see me and soon we plan to be together somehow. He knows how I feel about my stomach but I didn’t exactly lay down my whole issue. I just commented on needing to work out and as per usual he thought I was crazy. He told me he thought I was adorable and I’m already skinny and I wasn’t to worry. He’s actually fantastic. He also said when he does see my stomach he bets it will be just as skinny as it seems.
That made me smile but it didn’t budge my mind set.
Just as a short interjection my mum just came in asking what I wanted for dinner. I just asked for tea and toast because im ill and things “taste funny”.
I see my friends and they are stick thing and so beautiful. I want to be thin enough that I can look in the mirror, drum on my flat stomach and be proud. I want to be able to sit in my underwear or a bikini in front of a guy and not be scared or nervous.
The issue is that im naturally small in height so all my weight goes to my legs or stomach. I have tiny wrists and arms. I don’t want to lose weight from anywhere but my stomach.
I gave up excerising because well…I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t have enough control over it but now I just try eat as less as possible.
I used to eat rather a lot. People would call it binging! Now I look at all these yummy things and think how badly I want to eat them but I know I will only hate myself for it afterwards.
